Over the last 6 months I have been dealing with a lot of emotions. Not always the greatest. I blamed my crying on lack of sleep. I blamed my lack of sleep on being a new mom. I blamed my lack of appetite on being busy. I blamed being busy on being a new mom and having two big kids, three dogs, a business to run and a household to keep together. I blamed a lot on "mom brain". I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't get words out. I would forget simple things. I blamed my sadness on the fact that I had to have a c-section. An unplanned c-section. That right there was a killjoy!
I can't forget my awful pregnancy. I was so sad through the entire thing. I blamed my sadness on not knowing if K was going to be okay. I had morning sickness, all day sickness, heartburn and plan old feeling like crap the entire pregnancy. I blamed my sadness on that.
It's been a good year and feeling sad. Crying. Just not being myself. There was always something to blame.
I couldn't have Postpartum Depression. I had no negative feelings towards Kellan. Nope. No way. Not me. I'm not broken. I don't need to be fixed. This will all pass. Things will get better.
It didn't get better.
It just kept getting worse. I would cry. I would cry more than the average person. I just knew that something was wrong. Was I broken? Was I going to be like this forever? What was wrong with me?!
The word depressed is kind of scary. There so much negativity sounding it. Even worse is when you hear Postpartum Depression. You hear those stories of moms who drive their cars into lakes with their kids inside to kill them. You hear stories of moms saying they wanted to throw their babies against the wall or are scared to be alone with them. That wasn't me. At all. I couldn't have Postpartum Depression. But I did. I do.
Today I had my appointment with my midwife to talk about it. I teared up a little bit when I made my appointment. So I was a little nervous going in today. I didn't want to cry but I knew I would. I was scared to talk about it. I was scared to admit it. But I did admit it. I did cry. You know? IT'S OKAY! It's okay for me to be sad. It happens. Postpartum wasn't all about hurting your child. There are other things you can feel. It can affect you in other ways. Not being able to sleep, loss of appetite, obviously my sadness. Even my "mom brain" that I thought I had was a sign.
Finally! What I was feeling could be fixed. I wasn't broken! AND IT WAS OKAY!!!!!!
No one wants to admit they have it. No one wants to talk about it. The stigma behind it sucks. It doesn't paint people with it in a good way. We look like baby killers, which were not. We are normal every day people. We are your friend. We are your cousin. Your neighbor. Your co-worker. We are everywhere. 1 out of every 7 moms is diagnosed with it. You probably know somewhere who has it.
Now here I am. I feel better taking this first step. It's a big step. It's hard to admit that you need a little bit of help, but I am glad I did.
So here is to day 1.
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