Give it up for being scared out of my mind!

I am so incredibly freaked out/scared/nervous/excited/anxious/all the feelings for tomorrow.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE ARE MEETING OUR BABY TOMORROW!

It's strange knowing the date and time your child will arrive. I still haven't gotten past that part. It's weird. It's not normal. I shouldn't know this. Part of the "fun" isn't knowing. It's the anticipation of it all. The when will it happen. It could happen anytime. I'm still mourning the loss of that whole thing. I'm sure I will be for a while. The whole thing is sad. :( Urgh. I'm trying really hard to stay positive.

It's hard to stay positive though. It was shortly after we found out we needed a csections we found out that they cost so much more. Since we were already on a budget we had to do a budget cut. I knew it was coming. I knew that we would have to say goodbye to our birth photographer. I didn't want to admit it until after we talked with the insurance company. I was hoping the cost wouldn't be that different. I was wrong. The birth photographer had to go. If I said I didn't cry, I would be lying. It was something I wanted all along but now I had to be a responsible adult and cut things that weren't a need.

Thankfully, my friend Stefany said she could help us out. We are just paying for her daycare day for tomorrow and she will be there. Let more of the waterworks happen. She is also a photographer. I am so grateful that we will have photos. Don't get me wrong, Kyle does take some great pictures, but we can't recreate the csection in case something doesn't turn out. I also want him to be able to "enjoy" the experience with me. I didn't want his face behind a camera the whole time. This way, he can be in photos. Great, now I am crying just talking about it again.

So, things aren't all bad. There will be someone there and that is important to me. My friend Kati said she might be able to come up on Wednesday and get some family photos. That would be nice. The kids more than likely won't be up when Stefany is there. I don't want them to see me in ALL the pain. I know that would freak Karie out for sure. She is a mama's girl and I don't want to scare her. I think it would make Kegan really nervous. I know he is already a little freaked out by the whole thing.

I'm freaked out by the whole thing. The surgery itself and then the recovery. I'm not ready for that. I think I am more scared of what comes after than the actual surgery. I'm sure when it comes time I will be a nervous wreck. I'm not the most easy going person when it comes to big things like this. I mean, I've never been in this situation so I can't imagine I will be that calm.

I also really haven't expressed how scared I am to meet this baby. Sounds strange to say huh. Scared to meet your own child. I am though. 25 weeks ago we were told our child would probably die because of the Septated Cystic Hygroma. I cried so much over it. While the Hygroma resolved and everything in the ultrasound and blood test looked good, there is still a chance something could be wrong. I am scared to death about that. I have two beautiful healthy children. I am scared that we made a mistake and something is going to be wrong. It's hard for people to understand. It's not something I ever really talk about. I am sick of being judged constantly. Every decision I make I am being judged. I shouldn't care. I really shouldn't. But, it's hard not to care. What if something is wrong? What if something is bad? I can't handle it. I just can't. I just want him here and healthy.

I don't want a csection. I don't want my child to be "different". I don't want anything bad to happen.

I'm so scared. I wish I could get over this fear.

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