How does someone even begin something like this? How can I put into words just how I am feeling? I guess I will try and start at the very beginning.
Today was the day of my genetic screening. We didn't do it with Kegan & Karie but it was something Kyle really wanted. We got there early. I am always early. We stayed in the car and played on our phones for like 10 minutes. We checked in at 8:20 and waited a good 20 minutes before we saw the Genetic Counselor, Kate. She took all our info and went over our odds. They were good odds. With our ages, health and family history there was no real reason to be concerned. I had Googled a ton before we came. I wanted to be as informed as possible. I went over the of other NT scans so I would know if we were at risk during the ultrasound. I wasn't worried though. I honestly felt good about the whole thing. We chatted with Kate for a while. I was smiling. I was laughing. I was happy. We had to wait another 20-30 minutes for the ultrasound. I was so excited. A little nervous but mostly excited. It started out like any other ultrasound. Baby K actually looked like a baby this ultrasound. It wasn't until she started to measure behind the baby's neck that my excitement went to fear. The number looked bigger than normal. I had looked at tons of scans online. I had read tons of stories about these scans. I knew what the normal range was. This measurement wasn't in the normal range from everything I had read online. It was bigger.
I was so confused. I didn't know what to think. I saw the measurement that said baby was measuring at 14 weeks. If I wanted the blood test, the quad screen, I was one day too late. Baby could only measure 13 weeks & 6 days. I was so bummed. We sat in the ultrasound room for what seemed forever. In reality it was probably only 10 minutes. The tech came back in and said we were going to go see Dr. Wagner and go over the results. I knew it wasn't good. She was so quiet once she started measuring the neck. If it was nothing she wouldn't have been gone so long talking to Dr. Wagner.
We sat in his office & I could hear them talking in the hall. I just know something wasn't right. Something felt wrong. He came in and talked a lot about everything. He talked so fast. He said that baby was measuring 1 day ahead and we couldn't do the quad screen. Then he talked about what the normal range of measurements for the back of the neck. Baby needed to have a measurement under 95% to be in the normal range. Then he said our baby measured over that. Our baby had a Cystic Hygroma. At that moment I instantly started crying. I felt like a train was driving in between us. It was loud and windy. I would feel it. I wanted to step out in front of it and wake up from this awful dream that I must be living in. But, I couldn't. This was my reality. I couldn't really grasp anything he was saying. I could hear him talking. I could see him talking but nothing really stuck. I walked away with what it could be. Or it could be nothing. It wasn't normal though. It could be a number of things. Downs Syndrome, a heart defect or both. Or other things. It could be nothing. But those odds weren't very good. He said it was a 40% chance that baby would be born alive. He left and Kate came back in. She was a lot less peppy then the first meeting we had. We went over what the next steps were. I am only 14 weeks so I am not far enough along with an amnio. All we could go was a different blood test. A newer blood test. It pulls baby's DNA from my blood and looks at that for what is or isn't wrong. The bad thing is that it takes 2 weeks to get the results of the blood test. We could do nothing though. We chose to do the blood test and scheduled an amnio for 2 weeks after we get the results back in case this blood test comes back with abnormalities. This blood test will also be able to tell us the sex of the baby. That is the only positive I can take from this right now.
After talking with Kate and making a plan for those two thing she said that we also needed a level 2 ultrasound at 20 weeks for baby heart. So we got the blood draw for the Harmony Test, scheduled our appointments and left. February 6th for the follow up ultrasound and possible amnio and February 27th for the level 2 ultrasound. I cried the entire way home to get the kids. We chose not the tell the kids. We don't know enough to tell them. I don't want to scare them. I told Kyle that he needs to tell his parents and my mom because I want to talk to anyone. When we got back home I went up to bed and cried. I would check my phone hoping Emily had text me back. She was in Wisconsin for her Grandma funeral so I knew it could be a while. Kyle came up randomly to check on me. He would snuggle with me for a little bit but spent most of the time with the kids. I physically & emotionally couldn't.
A few hours later Emily text me back. Besides Kyle she has been the only person I have talked to about this. I have no desire to talk to anyone else.
My feeling are all over the place. I don't want to love this baby. I don't want to love something that could be taken away. I know it sounds awful. I know it makes me sound like the worst mother but I don't want to get attached to something that could be gone. These my feelings though. These are my emotions. This is what I am going through. This is how I am choosing to cope. As far as how I am feeling, I don't know. I don't understand these emotions. I don't understand how I am supposed to feel. I don't know how I am supposed to function normally for the next two weeks. I'm trying not to look past that. I can't. I mean until the blood test comes back we have no idea what to expect. All I wanted was an uneventful pregnancy. It's quickly not becoming the case.
Why? Why me?! I have done everything by the book. This shouldn't be happening. Now I just have to sit and wait. While my world has stopped, the world for everyone else is still going on. I have to figure out a way to pretend that my world hasn't stopped. This information isn't something I will be sharing. It's not a fun thing to keep inside but it would be so much worst having to deal with all the questions. Let these two weeks go by quickly. Please!
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