I rejoined the real world today, for a few hours at least. It's Wednesday. Every Wednesday for the oh...past 2+ years Emily and I have set aside Wednesday mornings to hangout, get coffee and chat about life. It's our day. I like Wednesdays. I'll be honest though, I didn't want to go. I would have much rather stayed home and cried all day in bed. Just stay home and not deal with the world. Unfortunately, I am a grown up and I can't do that for more than one day. So I went. The moment I saw her I instantly started to cry. She cried. Then we just hugged. It wasn't the best Wednesday outing that we ever have but it was something I really needed. If I was going to rejoin the world with anyone I am glad it was with her.
We talked about it. We talked about the possible future. I'm so fortunate to have a friend who is so understanding. While I know she can't 100% relate to my situation. It's comforting knowing that whatever happens, she has my back. She isn't going to judge me. I told her how I am wearing baggy clothes to hide my bump. I said if something is wrong & we have to say goodbye that at least there wasn't a bump in everyone's face all the time. Out of sight out of mind I guess. I told her how I am scared to love it. I am scared to continue to love something that I could say goodbye to before I even get to say hello. That is incredibly scary and heartbreaking. Needless to say I cried a lot today. This isn't how I pictured my life to be. My 3rd was supposed to be easy and filled with tons of love. Instead it's a nightmare filled with constant anxiety and fear.
Wednesday
7:31 PM
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