The unknown is the worst part.

I was hoping the positive energy from yesterday would spill over into today, but I was so wrong. Kyle mentioned something about my boobs getting bigger in reference to breastfeeding and I just lost it. I went downstairs and just cried in the bathroom. Bawled. Like to the point where I had a tough tine breathing. What if I never get a chance to nurse this baby? What if I lose my baby?!

I hate crying in front of Kyle. I feel like I do that way too much these days. I mean, I do. I just try me best to do it when I am alone and rarely in front of the kids. I don't want to scare them. I know it's not good for anyone if I spend the whole time crying in front of them.

Then I wonder. Am I overrating? Should I really be freaking out this much? I am so confused. I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I don't know what is right and I don't know what is wrong anymore. I don't know anyone who has ever been through this. I can't ask for advice from people who don't understand these indescribable feelings. You can't describe them. You can try, like I have, but there aren't any word that work. That fit. I can't describe how sad I am. How incredibly scared I am. Scared for the future my growing child. Scared for the future of my Kegan and Karie. My husband. Myself. Scared of the complete unknown. The only real "known" is what the doctors have told us. From there it is just things I have read online. The spectrum of things that could be wrong is huge. Scary huge. It's far too confusing to even sort out. Once we get the blood test results it won't stop there. If the results are good we still have the heart to look at. It's just a long list of things that we need to go through. I don't feel very informed on everything. I feel so lost. Then if everything comes back prefect that still doesn't explain the extra fluid. It just sucks.

I can't plan anything. I have no idea what the future holds for us. I can't buy baby clothes or nursery furniture. I can't plan events or really even look ahead a few days. I just keep looking at the doctors appointments we have coming up. I can't stop thinking about how much this complicates my life. It sounds selfish but the unknown is really killing it here. Will I get to be a mom to it like I am with Kegan and Karie? Will I see this baby on it's first birthday? Will I even get to hold it? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!

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