Ask me how I survived the last week with this news. I can't tell you
how. I can't lie, it has been one of the worst weeks of my entire life.
It's been incredibly difficult. However I somehow managed to make it 7
days. One day and a time. Each morning is a little celebrating that I
made it another day. It may only last 10 seconds but I made it. I am
hoping the test results come in early. Sometimes they come in as early
as 10 days. That would make it Thursday. I am really holding onto hope
that Thursday we will know more. I know if we don't get the call on
Thursday then each day after will be torture because I know that my
results could come that soon. It will be slow. I'll freak out over every
phone call. Basically my phone will not leave my hand starting Thursday
AM. It would be fantastic if the results came in before my midwife
appointment on Thursday AM. I am not getting my hopes up but I am trying
to think positive about that. I am trying to think positive thoughts
about Baby K. Each day there are less teas. Not that I care less, it's
just that guess I am starting to accept that this is my reality. That
this is something I can't wake up from. This is my life. This is what I
have to deal with. When I step back for even a second to think about it,
it doesn't seem real. At all. I honestly can't believe that this is my
life. I never in a million years expected that this would be something
we would be dealing with.
Oh! I forgot to mention in
my post yesterday that I felt Baby K move for the first time. 14 weeks
& 5 days and I felt it move. It was during one of my Google research
sessions about Baby K's diagnosis. Maybe it was a sign from Baby
letting me know not to worry and that everything will be okay. One can
hope at least. I have that little piece of hope to hang onto even if it
is a big stretch. I know it is. But, at this point, there isn't a lot to
hold on it.
It's been nice this last week. I haven't
spent much time alone. The kids were each sick a day last week. We had
one scheduled day off and a cold day that cancelled school. We also had a
busy weekend. Today school was called off again due to the cold.
Tomorrow is supposed to be just as cold so there is a chance we won't
have school then either. Wednesday is Karie's field trip to the
Children's Museum and Kyle & I are volunteering for that. Thursday
in the AM will be my midwife appointment that Kyle will be at of course.
Then he goes back to work. That will be the first time that I will be
alone. I'm not sure if I am ready for that. Being alone is scary. I
don't want to be alone. I know that I will just dwell on it. I wake up
before everyone every morning. I have that alone time, but if I need a
hug, I can go wake up Kyle. The whole thing is just strange. I know I
have said it a billion times before, but it is.
As
much as I have tried to not let it get to me, it has. I have no
tolerance for anything and I get instantly emotional. I have no
motivation and have so much to do around the house. I know it needs to
be done but I just...I don't know. Right now, I don't care. I mean, I do
care. But, I am just too tired to care. I've really lost all motivation
to do anything. I feel bad that Kyle has to deal with me like this. I
wish I was able to better handle these emotions. I wish I knew how. I
just want things to go back to normal.
It's been a whole week!
8:37 PM
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