I survived another day. I'm honestly not sure how that even happened. I'm surprised every morning that I wake up. This is REALLY my life. This is my reality.
The kids didn't have school today. It was cancelled due to cold weather so Emily invited us to join her at the Children's Museum. None of us wanted to spend all day at home so we joined her. To my surprise I didn't cry. I talked more about what I was feeling. It was really quite strange. It's really strange to talk about this life growing inside me that might not survive. It's strange thinking this is my life. This baby was so well loved. This baby was very much wanted and very much planned. This baby still is very much loved but in a different way I guess. It's like a breakup that you didn't want. You still love your ex but you don't want to say good bye. You want to get back together. I don't know. That's not even a good analogy. I just don't know how to put it into words.
I am honestly expecting the worst. That is why I am feeling so detached...or at least trying to detach myself from this baby.I am not a robot though. I am not void of emotions. I wish I was. It would make this so much easier. I cry too much. I just can't handle what is happening. I feel like if I can detach myself from this baby that the bad news, if that is the news we get, won't hurt so bad. I know that logic is moronic and I know that won't be the case, but I need to hold onto something. It is much easier to fall in love with a child than to fall out of love. That is so strange to say. Who falls out of love with a child? No one. I will always love this baby. But I don't want to right now. I am so beyond scared to love it and lose it.
I know that this life inside of me is mine but it doesn't feel like it anymore. I don't feel pregnant. Maybe these intense emotions are just too much for me and I am shutting down. My body just can't handle it. It's the unknown that I can't handle. The what if's. Will this baby life? Will this baby die? If this baby lives what kind of life will this baby have? Will it be a "normal" life or a life filled with pain? Will this baby even live a few days if it's born?!
The conversation I had with Emily was so strange. A conversation that I needed to have. I needed to get those feelings out. I don't talk about it with anyone else. Not even Kyle. I know we should and sometime we will. Sometime soon. We have too. I just really haven't talked to him much. I don't even think I have asked him how he feels. I mean REALLY feels. I have been too caught up with my emotions and my me feelings. This baby is still part him. It's just in me. I am the only who have to go through all the physical pain IF something really bad happens. I know I will emotionally feel the pain more only because this life is growing inside me. But still, this baby is still half Kyle. I still need to talk to him. I need to let him know where I am emotionally and figure out where he is. We need to be on the same page I guess. This is not the conversation I want to have.
Another day another strange coverstation
4:40 PM
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