I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I feel like my world is falling apart right in front of me. I made the mistake of Googling more. I'm not finding out must positive and of course that is making it worse. 13 more days of torture. 13 more days of not knowing. I know it is still early but I am leaning towards getting the amnio even if they Harmony test shows that everything is okay. I feel like I need to know that everything is okay. I really need to know as much as I can.
I can't believe this is my life right now. I can't believe this is something I have to deal with. It's a damn nightmare. WHY?! WHY US?! What did we do wrong? I don't want my child to be broken. I want that healthy baby that I expected I would have.
Kyle asked me yesterday if I needed anything. I said I wanted a time machine. He asked what I would do with it. I said I would go back to summer and never get off birth control. If I would have known we would be going through this I wouldn't want to get pregnant. I don't know what the outcome of this will be, but that is how I feel right now. I can't help how I feel. I can only be honest. I am hoping I can and will change my mind. I hope that everything turns out okay. I hope it was a fluke and baby is 100% perfect and healthy like Kegan and Karie. But right now I am hoping for the best but expecting the worst. I can't be all positive. There is a chance something is wrong. I need to be realistic. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Right now it's dark clouds with a raging tornado. I don't know if that tornado is going to destroy my home or if I will be able to just walk away with a few bumps. I have 13 more days with this storm.
13 more days...
9:03 PM
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